I'm Chris and I have PTSD.
Why the hell does that sound like I'm supposed to be ashamed of it? Why does that feel like something I'd say after I lit a candle in front a group of others who are unwilling but remanded to be rehabilitated?
I didn't want to be this guy. I didn't want to be the "crazy old vet down the street". I didn't even want to be a vet yet. I was a Combat Medic. I was supposed to finish my career. I was supposed to endure years and years of dry, poorly written correspondence courses. I was supposed to add chapters to my training folder and make sure all the boxes were checked. I was supposed to keep my CEU's current. I was supposed to add a third and fourth volume to my shot record. I was supposed to set and wait for promotions and better than average TDY's. I was supposed to mold the minds of my junior enlisted and make competent Medics and leaders out of them.
I had never even given thought to "retirement". No, not me. I was in for the long haul. I was one of those guys that made sure the rank wasn't waiting on me. I was the guy that knew the uniform reg down to the letter and was always fresh pressed and sharp. I was the guy that came in early and left late. I was the one that had discipline, drive and aspirations of one day being that jaded E-09 with the grizzled squint and the gruff voice that everyone feared and admired. Hell, I even had plans to commission and go on to Physicians Assistant training.
None of this was in the cards I suppose. I was destined to be the one that shone brightly then burned out quick. The one that disappeared into obscurity. The one that people in the unit would later ask "what ever happened to". The one whose job ended up costing him more than just hard work. The one who wasn't strong enough to get over the things he saw and did. The one who got broken and couldn't be fixed. The one that was discharged.
I don't know how much of the things I'll write about will help any of you. But if just one person finds any comfort or help from the things I put into words, then it would have all been worth it. I guess I'm predisposed to help in any capacity I can. Once a medic always a medic I guess.
I'm Chris and I have PTSD.
