Sightseeing, an Unintentional Side Effect of Combat

Tonight I saw a familiar sight. A facebook friend and fellow veteran posted up a new profile image.  The image was that of two Abrams tanks passing through the “Qaws an-Naṣr” or “Swords of Qādisīyah” in downtown Baghdad.

I’m sure you’re familiar with it by now.  It is a pair of “victory arches” erected by Saddam Hussein to commemorate the Iran-Iraq war.

Each arch consists of a pair of hands holding crossed swords. The two arches mark the two entrances to “Great Celebrations Square” and parade grounds.

When you look at images on the Internet or TV you may experience feelings associated with those images. The Eiffel Tower may invoke feelings of pleasure or bring forth fond memories of your honeymoon or family vacation.  An image of the Washington Monument may remind you of a school field trip.

Just as smells and sounds, images can take you far away form where you are.  They can force you to relive things you’d rather not.

Tonight, almost ten years after the fact, when I saw this image, a lump formed in my throat and I tensed up.

I grabbed at my face to adjust that damned stiff, yet soaking wet, headgear chinstrap. And, for a minute there I could smell the mustiness of that heavy, sweat soaked, hand-me-down body armor. I actually looked at my hands to see nothing where my weapon should be. There was no weight where my medic pack should have been secured.  I felt like I was in the shit again…  Naked.

Even though nothing bad happened to me the day I gazed upon those swords, I felt unprotected.  When you spend the bulk of your time in a total state of vigilance, if something is “off”, you realize it quickly.

And, in that altered state of mind, you still manage to notice that your guys aren’t there.  There’s no one.  No one to cover you.  No one to pull you out if shit breaks bad.  No contact with command.  No orders to be handed down.  Nothing.

You’re standing there in the middle of the street with your dick hanging out and you’re quite sure that there are any number of Hajjis just waiting for the opportunity to take you out.

Even though it only lasts a few seconds, it feels like you relive your whole deployment in the blink of an eye.

Oh sure, you come to your senses and the reality of “home” comes creeping back in after a few moments.  But, you’re left with the same feelings you had when you hopped that freedom bird out of the sandbox.

The feeling that you didn’t get to finish the job you started.  The feelings of guilt you have for surviving.  The holes in your heart for the ones you couldn’t save.  They all come crashing though in a sick symphony of pain and self-loathing.

Yet, as sick as it sounds, someday, I’d like to see them again.  I’d like the opportunity to stand where before I needed cover and casually take in the scenery.

Baghdad, from both the air and the surface, even in the throws of war, is an incredible city.  And even though Saddam was an egomaniacal, evil, murderous bastard the man sure knew how to erect monuments.

If given the chance to hold my wife’s hand and walk her down the streets and around the areas I worked, would be something I’d probably like to do.  Hell, it may even give me a bit of closure.

Sure, I’d be crying or pissed the whole damned time but the fact that life goes on and people rebuild is such a beautiful aspect of mankind.

There’d be places and buildings I’d pause at, take a knee and be silent for a moment.  There’d be areas where I’d talk about my exploits and laugh at how stupid my buddies could be and how in horror, they made me fell somewhat comfortable.  And, there’d be locations where I’d fall to my knees and cry like a baby.

I’d search for and probably never find the children and people I came in contact with.  Hell, they wouldn’t remember me anyway, but I’d want to see them. I’d want to make sure they were still OK and had survived.

It probably sounds weird but, in my minds eye, it seems like it would have to be better for me than to sit in a room with a doctor and whine about how messed up I am in the head.  Just for him to prescribe me a happy pill to subdue these images.

To me it would be a place where I could finally face my demons, call them out and challenge them right there under the swords.

I don’t know.

Since the day I left Iraq, I’ve been wanting and needing to go back there.  Perhaps without combat, the place wouldn’t seem the same.  Without purpose, chaos and fear, Baghdad would not be the Baghdad I remember.

Who am I kidding?  I, in good conscience couldn’t stay in an air-conditioned room in a hotel in Iraq.

I’d crave the spirit killing heat and the rock hard, lumpy rack.  I’d crave the shitty food and the constant fear of mortars, small arms fire and IED’s.  I’d crave the need to jump into MOP-4 the moment I heard a “thud”. I’d crave the smell of the burn pits and the metallic taste of the air.  I’d crave being chased by a camel spider.  I’d crave being sweaty going into and coming out of the shower.  I’d crave gearing up for a convoy rather than taking a taxi.

Hell, I doubt that until Hilton erects an era correct “tent city”, I guess I could never be comfortable there.

So, I guess I’m relegated to having to go there in my mind, in my flashbacks and in my dreams where all of these things are real and current.

No, I’ll leave it to future generations to sightsee and enjoy the scenery. I only pray they never have to have these images and thoughts engrained into their psyche.

Perhaps someday, many millennia from now, mankind will find a way to resolve their differences without the need for metal to ever make contact with meat.

The only thing I can hope for is that scholars look back on us as fondly as they do medieval knights and know that the premise behind our actions was a noble one.

Great picture Mark.  Thank you.

Normality is Just a Word

Tonight, I heard a pretty poignant thing in a commercial for a new movie coming out. 

“Don’t go to men who are willing to kill themselves, looking for normality.”

It got me thinking about my experiences and how much things have changed.  I’m going to admit it; there is a higher level of adrenaline rush found in combat that can be found in no other arena.  And it’s VERY addictive.

Sure, you hear about it all the time.  Vets either participating in the most extreme of sports or going off the deep end looking toward crime just to feed the addiction.

Some of us however, go another route.  I have little want or need to participate in anything that would give me that rush, ever again.  Just as smells or songs can recall memories, adrenaline rushes remind me of a time in my life that has affected me in ways I’d rather not remember. 

I’m not even aware that I’m remembering most of the time.  I just flash back and a few hours later, I’m asking my wife what the hell happened and praying to a God I no longer believe in that I didn’t hurt anyone.

But, indeed, men and women who are unlucky enough to have survived the war no longer have what can ever be considered “normality”.  We’re all broken in one or more ways.  We even sometimes envy the ones who died.

Simple things aren’t normal anymore.  That “night out” isn’t relaxing or fun.  It comes at a cost.  That cost is normality.  We go out to dinner and scan for the exits.  We set where we can see the exits and watch everyone coming in or going out. We formulate a plan of escape and scan the perimeter for cover. 

We look hard as we approach crowds; access the situation, look for possible unfriendlies, scan for potential targets, and reach for a weapon that isn’t there.

We spend hours ramping up for that “night out” knowing we’re going out naked with no intel, no briefing, no plan, no backup. We’re still fighting.  In our minds, we’re all still putting on our rattle and going into the shit.  Only this time, and every time, we’re alone.

In the years following my return from deployment, I’ve come to find that “normality” is subjective.  One man’s “normal” is another man’s “crazy”.  It’s finding ways of dealing with our own construct of normal that matters.

Once, I told the doctor I was afraid of being crazy.  He chuckled and told me that truly crazy people don’t care that they’re crazy.  Therein, caring proves your sanity.

I’ve struggled with what is now normal for me and have come to terms with the fact that I must continue to deal with my version of normality until the day I die.  It’s just who I am.  I’m broken, but not destroyed.

Bad days and Freedom

Sometimes, the things that need to be said are unpleasant to hear.  Sometimes we need to know someone else is feeling those same desperate thoughts.  Frustration and anger cave in and direct the words that are sometimes frightening for those who love us and sometimes just writing them out is cathartic and lets us breathe long enough for it to pass.   I’m posting this because of that.  It was a bad day, and this is how I felt.

 _

What is freedom?  Is having it the driving force behind why we enlisted?  Is it what we wrote that "blank check" to defend?  Is it not being incarcerated? Please tell me, I want to know, because freedom is a little more than a fleeting thought to me as I am trapped in this prison that is my head. 

We really don't have "freedom" in the literal sense.  We're NOT free to go to the mall naked.  We're NOT free to punch the people who really deserve it.  Hell, we're not even free to smoke a cigarette in a restaurant that sells food that has been proven to contribute to all sorts of health problems.

But I will tell you what freedom isn't.  It isn't something you have once you take that step and ask for help.  Especially if you were serious about your attempt to end your life.

It's quite the opposite actually. The very moment you seek help and admit that you have had the notion of hurting yourself, your freedom is GONE.  Completely.  Shit, they even take away your clothes. 

They dress you up in maroon "look at me I'm nuts" pajamas and medicate you well beyond the "jello" state.  And once you get used to the medication, it's MANDATORY that you go to the day room for a few hours throughout the day.

Ah, the day room.  Where the old Vietnam vet is talking to himself whilst shuffling his slippered feet until he hits the wall, staggers back and repeats shuffling into the wall for hours.

The day room.  Where you're free to play checkers...  With yourself.

The day room.  Where the puzzles are all 100 pieces or less.

The day room.  Where the air smells like medicine, urine and feces.

The day room. Where the condescension from the staff runs rampant as they hand out plastic model kits of cars and airplanes that are not snap together. Oh, and don't even ask for glue because then, you know, they alert the doctor because they think you want it for huffing and not for its intended purpose. 

You're at their mercy and if they're having a bad day, you are too.  They look at you with their judgmental eyes not knowing what you've seen, what you've smelled, what you've caused. And as they stand there with relaxed yet guarded body language, you know in your heart that they have never done anything but take a few classes and a civil service test.  You hate them.

You hate them so much.  Your inner destructiveness turns to images and thoughts of knocking them down or holding them against the wall, wrapping your hand around their trachea and squeezing until the life in their eyes fades. You hate them until the newest round of mandatory meds kick in and you fall off into a subconscious fog.  Minutes, hours, days all go by without solid memory and it feels like time has betrayed you.

Once they feel comfortable enough to let you go, they then monitor EVERY aspect of your life.  Yup, you my friend are under the microscope and nothing is left to secrecy not even your finances as they tell you how and when to spend your money... For the rest of your life.

Freedom my ass!  Those Soviets had it good compared to us my friend.

I'm not free.  No sir, not me. I'm forever stuck in that god damned day room... the only difference is, it's in my mind now.  Every day I'm a prisoner to this sick, twisted, demented side effect of giving a shit and trying do something worthwhile.  My only crime is, I cared.

But there is one tiny sliver of "freedom" I have.  I am not incarcerated by the VA currently.  And I'll be god damned if I EVER allow them to lock me up again.  One tends to learn the "correct" responses to the questions they ask, even if its all a lie.  I've always been honest, it's the way I was raised.  But, the VA has made me into an outright liar at times.  I know exactly what they want to hear to keep me off that ward and out of the "real" day room.

I looked it up once...  The word "freedom".  But, I have a different definition than Webster.  Freedom is locking yourself up to keep others safe.  Freedom is within the safety of your own personal compound. The only thing that has changed in my mind is that it isn't me that I want to do harm to anymore. It's the stupidity that is allowed to openly graze upon the earth. 

Everyone is safe as long as I stay self-incarcerated in my own personal day room.  And they don't know how lucky they are.

I have...

I'm Chris and I have PTSD.  

Why the hell does that sound like I'm supposed to be ashamed of it?  Why does that feel like something I'd say after I lit a candle in front a group of others who are unwilling but remanded to be rehabilitated?

I didn't want to be this guy.  I didn't want to be the "crazy old vet down the street".  I didn't even want to be a vet yet.  I was a Combat Medic.  I was supposed to finish my career.  I was supposed to endure years and years of dry, poorly written correspondence courses.  I was supposed to add chapters to my training folder and make sure all the boxes were checked. I was supposed to keep my CEU's current.  I was supposed to add a third and fourth volume to my shot record.  I was supposed to set and wait for promotions and better than average TDY's.  I was supposed to mold the minds of my junior enlisted and make competent Medics and leaders out of them.  

I had never even given thought to "retirement".  No, not me.  I was in for the long haul. I was one of those guys that made sure the rank wasn't waiting on me.  I was the guy that knew the uniform reg down to the letter and was always fresh pressed and sharp.  I was the guy that came in early and left late.  I was the one that had discipline, drive and aspirations of one day being that jaded E-09 with the grizzled squint and the gruff voice that everyone feared and admired. Hell, I even had plans to commission and go on to Physicians Assistant training. 

None of this was in the cards I suppose. I was destined to be the one that shone brightly then burned out quick. The one that disappeared into obscurity.  The one that people in the unit would later ask "what ever happened to".  The one whose job ended up costing him more than just hard work.  The one who wasn't strong enough to get over the things he saw and did.   The one who got broken and couldn't be fixed.  The one that was discharged.

I don't know how much of the things I'll write about will help any of you.  But if just one person finds any comfort or help from the things I put into words, then it would have all been worth it.  I guess I'm predisposed to help in any capacity I can. Once a medic always a medic I guess.

I'm Chris and I have PTSD.